To be Strong
by Masaki-Hanabusa
Summary: Ludwig's harsh words cut Feliciano deep, so much he almost feels like giving up. However, in his despair appears a figure, one that looks ever so much like him, offering to give him what he desires. Felicest. 2p!ItalyxItaly.


A/N: 2P Hetalia time. There will be slight... Felicest? Is that what it's called, cause I know it isn't Itacest. Anyway, Italy/2pItaly is in here. And I know Germany would probably not act like this, but for this he's going to.

Gah, I haven't done selfcest in almost two years, when I stopped working on my malevolentshipping fics. I remember the hardest thing was addressing both characters. I found that hard to do in this as well, but hopefully, it'll make sense who I am talking about. But I'm having trouble staying in a dark mood (I have so many dark pieces I'm working on or that are coming up) so I thought this would help.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy and please leave a review when you're done. Thank you!

* * *

Feliciano locked the door to his bedroom and slid down to the floor, unable to stop his overflowing sobbing. He tried to wipe them away with his sleeve, but, it was endless.

"I'm so *hic* sorry," Feli managed to whimper out, hiccuping between choked words.

* * *

Ludwig had them training again that day, and as usual, the embodiment of Northern Italy had not been all to eager to participate. It was too hot that day, he was tired, and all he wanted to do was eat some pasta, then take a long siesta. He had tried to convince Germany to let him skip training for the day, but his friend had only shouted at him to start running his laps. There had been more aggression in the german's yells than normal, but the small brunette didn't bring it up, since it would have only made things worse.

And so he ran, quickly working up a sweat and forcing his slow body to move faster. About the third lap, Feliciano was having trouble catching his breath and stopped, falling backwards onto the dirt and closing his eyes. He internally groaned, knowing he was sticky enough that when he got up, his entire back would be covered in dirt. His moment of rest though didn't last long.

"VERDAMMIT, ITALY! GET UP AND KEEP RUNNING!" The italian yelped as he heard his captain yelling from the other side of the track. He sounded angry, but Feliciano couldn't find the strength to stand up and start running. He was too tired.

"ITALY!" the blonde barked, now cutting across the track. Now he knew he was in trouble. WIth a grunt, the small man managed to force himself into a sitting position in time for the german to reach him. Looking up, seeing Ludwig's enormous figure blocking out the sun was terrifying. All Feli could do was squeak when his ally grabbed him roughly by his collar, forcing him to his feet. He almost fell back down due to his legs feeling like wet pasta.

"WAH! I'm sorry Ludwig!" Feliciano began to wail out as he usually did, hoping Germany would take pity on him and let him rest at least a little before making him continue. Instead of letting out a sigh as he usually did, the german let a very irritated growl pass through his lips.

"Sorry doesn't cut it anymore, Italy! We are at war here! Do you not realize that!" Ludwig began to yell down at him, blue eyes filled with rage. Suffering with his boss, Germany had been more and more angered lately, to the point where everything was setting him off.

"Ve! I realize that Luddy, but this is training so hard! Can't I-"

"NO! I've seen you before on the field, and all you're good for is running away like a pathetic coward!" Feliciano visibly flinched at being called a coward. He had been called one before countless times before, and even could admit that he was, but his best friend had never called him that before. He couldn't come up with words to say as he stared up at the taller man.

"Don't give me that look! You can't even run three, short laps! You know if I wasn't there, you'd be dead in an instant. Your whole damn nation would probably fall and I'm surprised it hasn't yet. You're just THAT weak on your own!" Ludwig continued to yell, each word cutting deep.

"...luddy, i'm sorry...," he whispered, looking down at his feet and feeling a pressure in his chest. He fiddled with the hem of his uniform as he tried to find the right words.

"No! I'm tired of hearing your empty apologizes. No matter how many god damn times you say you're sorry, you are still going to be there same, worthless, little weak Italy!" Ludwig hollered, unable to contain himself any further, all the built up frustration and aggravation from the past few days exploding. Almost immediately as the words burst from gritted teeth, looking down at Feliciano, he regretted it.

The shorter nation was looking back at him, amber eyes glistening as they desperately tried to hold back tears. Ludwig knew he had crossed the line, shattered the line. There was a moment of horrid silence, both nations unable to look away from each other until Feli broke it, staring down at a blade of grass and trying to look as calm as he could.

"Veh, I didn't know you...felt that way, Germany."

The german felt his stomach twist at Italy using his nation name. He had always called him Ludwig when the two were alone even when he was in a bad mood of upset. Germany opened his mouth to stop Italy, say that wasn't how he truly felt and that he didn't mean to take out his anger on Feli, but he was cut out by a shaky laugh from the smaller.

"I'm sorry, Germany. I won't try and bother you again," he shakily laughed, trying to sound as cheerful as possible as his eyes could no longer hold back his tears. His whole frame trembling, he quickly turned away from Germany and did the thing he did best. Run away. He didn't dare look back as he ran as fast as he could back to the house, not wanting to see the german's disgusted look as he fled.

Germany's face was not disgusted in the least, but twisted in agony and guilt as he could do nothing to stop the sobbing nation, stop his best friend he didn't mean to hurt so cruelly.

* * *

Feliciano curled into himself, burying his face between his knees and holding his head in his trembling hands. He never wanted to be weak, to be such a disappointment to others. He didn't want to lose anyone he cared about because of how pathetic he was. Feli's tears were uncontrollable now.

He wanted to be strong. Someone who Germany wouldn't hate. Someone to be proud to have as an ally, not someone to hide as a shame.

"Oh? But you are strong."

Feliciano looked up as a soft whisper of a voice rang in his ears. The room around him was bare and empty. For a second, he thought he must have hallucinated the sound, but a cackle from behind him, louder than the whisper before, made him believe otherwise. Spinning his head around to see what was behind him, he only saw the oak door he was resting on moments ago. There was no way anything could be behind him. Standing shakily to his feet, the italian slowly backed away from the door into the center of the room. He expected the voice to come again, but after a minute or so, nothing came. Sighing and wiping away the remnant of his tears, the small man sat down on the corner of his bed.

He wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up and so he laid down on his side, legs dangling over the end of the bed. He tried to forced himself to close his bloodshot eyes, to soak in the comfort of the blankets underneath him and fall asleep, but his amber eyes wouldn't listen to him. He could only stare out at the wall he was facing.

"Oh, you poor thing," came the voice again, purring in his ear. Feliciano did not turn around. He did not need to look to know that nobody was there, that he was probably just going crazy now.

But then, when a soft hand began to stroke his cheek he knew it was not his imagination. He knew nobody had been in the room a moment ago, and he could see the door from where he laid. So the fact a nonexistent person was touching him made him too petrified to turn to see who it was.

"Don't be afraid. Turn around," the voice comforted, sounding eerily familiar. He could hear the italian accent in the words, but it was more than that that gave Feli a horrible feeling in his stomach.

When he didn't turn to meet him, the invisible hand stopped touching his cheek and lightly touched his chin, moving it so he had no choice but to move. Feliciano's eyes widen when he had rolled onto his side. Staring right back at him was himself.

"W-what? W-who?-" the amber eyed began to stutter, utterly confused.

Laying on his side was indeed himself. There were changes, but there was no mistaking it. Auburn hair was a few shade darker, and his uniform was a dark tan rather than blue, the most shocking difference between the two he noticed was the other's eyes. This other him's eyes, unlike Feliciano's wide and warm amber eyes, were cold and narrow violet. The violet eyed counterpart watched him amused as he looked over the other in confusion and fear. A sly grin spread across his face.

"Not expecting company, Feli?" the other chuckled darkly, propping himself up and reaching out to touch the frightened italian again. It was strange to him to hear his own voice in such a tone. Cold yet soothing,darkly seductive. He couldn't get the words to respond out of his mouth. Lightly petting Feli's hair like one would a cat, he found himself leaning into the touch despite his mind screaming that it was bad idea.

"Who...who are you?" Feliciano finally managed to whisper out, feeling fear slowly fading away. He didn't know why, since usually even the slightest sound could scare him, but seeing another Italy, a dark version of himself laying beside him, petting him like a pet made an feeling of comfort and warm bubbling in his chest.

"I think it would be obvious," he grinned, leaning down to Feli's face, so close that their noses grazed each other. "I am you."

"Veh? That's not-"

"Possible?" The other finished. Feli could only respond to the accurate words he was about to say with silence. "Oh but it is. How else could I be here?"

With those words, the other sat up onto his knees, looking down at Feli. Roughly grabbing him by the wrist, the darker dragged him up to his knees as well, Feli almost falling over from the sudden movement. Not releasing his wrist, tightening his grip even, the other Feliciano leaned in close to his ear, hot breath brushing the skin.

"I am everything you want to be," he whispered ever so softly, his free hand resting on Feli's shoulder. The lighter italian could practically hear the other's smile."All the strength you desire? To stand on your own two feet, to depend on no one? All that power to prove you are helpless, weak, a disgrace? That is me. That is us."

The other Feliciano pulled away from his ear to look the other in the face. Amber eyes were wide with terrified intrigue. Releasing him from his grip, the violet eyed image moved to cup Italy's cheek softly in his gloved hands.

"I am that power, deep inside you," he whispered seductively, invading so close to the other's face that he could feel the other's uneven breathing on his own lips. "You can be strong. If you want to be, that is. Do you want to be strong, Feliciano? Powerful?"

"Veh...I...want...," Feliciano spoke softly, thinking over the other's words to him. It was actually tempting, to be strong. He had always been under somebody else's rule and control. All around him were people of power, even now. Germany and Japan, they were powerful, smart, unafraid. He always wished he could be more like them. Sometime he wished that they would look up to him even instead of looking down as he knew they really did.

"Hm? What is it that you want, Feli?" he hummed, lips brushing against the lighter counterpart. Feli shivered at the light contact, breath hitching slightly.

"I want...to be stong..." he admitted quietly, unable to break contact with ever so close violet. Instead, the other Feli was the one to break it, closing his eyes and chuckling softly, gently grabbing the other's shoulders and pulling him into a hug.

"See? Now that wasn't that hard to say, hm?" he chuckled, hand petting the back of Feli's head. Warmth was spreading out throughout Feliciano's body strangely, like slipping into a warm bath on a cold night. Being in his reflections embrace was calming, and he found his body growing heavy and limp under the touch, his body feeling as if he was only upright because of the other. Amber was slowly becoming hidden by his eyelids as he started to become sleepy.

"Do you want me to give you your strength?" he whispered, lips brushing against his neck. Feli shivered and nodded into the other's shoulder.

He wanted to be strong, to not be someone's shame, an embarrassment. He didn't want to see Ludwig screaming at him, his best friend angry at him for his weakness, uselessness. He didn't want to end up crying in the end because he couldn't change no matter how he tried.

His darker other released him, his heavy body falling back onto the mattress at an odd angle but he could barely move a finger, let alone twist himself around. While his body hot and paralyzed, Feliciano could still move his eyes, watching as his violet eyed counterpart crawled over him, hands pressed against his chest.

He stared down at him with a smile that could easily be read as sweet and kind, something not uncommon on his own face. But his eyes made Italy far more worried about his unusual calmness. His other's violet eyes were cold and wicked, cruel in contrast to a warm smile. Feli felt the other's eyelashes brush up against his skin as said eyes came closer, the other leaning down to place his lips on his neck, soft and lingering a few seconds longer each time he planted another. His fingers twitched at the contact, one of the only things capable of moving anymore.

He should be screaming, crying, wanting to wake up from whatever this was, he knew that quiet well. But instead, he felt so comfortable against the screams of his mind. He was even growing tired, soothed as the other stroked him beneath his eye.

"Let me in, and you will become strong," he whispered seductively into his ear, nibbling teasingly at the lobe. Feli body jumped slightly and he could feel his cheeks turn pink. Hands roamed over his body, exploring everywhere as he continued to nip at him. Feli had trouble keeping his breath even as his body heated up.

The auburned haired nation gripped at the sheets beneath him, leaning into his touch. It was then he realized he could move again. Using his regained mobility, he gripped the reflection by the shoulders and shoved him off of his body, sending him falling off the side of the bed and onto the floor with a thud. The violet eyes man pulled himself up from the ground, glaring daggers at the shaking boy. He could see the confusion in his amber eyes, the realization in them at what he was almost willing to do.

"Oh Feli, there is no need to fear," the other cooed, covering his anger with a wide smile. He reached back up and lightly grabbed the other by the arm, kissing his wrist reassuringly. The lighter one looked back into violet, unsure of what to do. He wanted to be powerful, but this felt wrong.

"Do you promise? That I'll be strong if I do this?" Feli asked uncertainly, not pulling away, but feeling nervous tears peeking out from the corners of his eyes. The other noticed and leaned up to the other's face, licking away the budding tears with his tongue.

"Trust me, Feliciano Vargas will be strong," he whispered, hot breath tickling Feli's quivering lip. "Trust me, just as I trust you, Feli."

Exhaustion swept over the small nation again as he stared into the violet, feeling his eyelids wanting to close for a long siesta. His breath came out uneven as lips brushed up against each other, ever so gently and tempting, just like the offer. What did he have to lose anyway? Was there any part of him that was worth keeping, that wasn't pathetic and weak?

And this other Feliciano, whose slightly darker locks he wrapped his fingers into, was himself, and had no reason to lie. And how could he not trust himself, not take the opportunity? The small nation gave a small nod and closed amber eyes, leaning forward ever so slightly. His own lips finally pressed up against his reflection, he muttered into the gentle kiss.

"Please, make me-" Feli whispered, giving in and now desperate to take the offer. Before he could even finish his sentence, the reflection knew what he was going to say, and smiled against the other's lips. Stealing Feli's lips, he cut off the boy, kissing Feli back roughly, he ran his tongue along his bottom lip, asking for permission to enter. The italian obliged, opened his mouth for his mirror and let his tongue slip inside, exploring him. The boy gave a small moan and attacked back with his own. The two held onto each other, impossibly close, and as the kiss deepened, Feli could feel all thoughts slowly leave his mind.

* * *

"Where did that boy go?" Germany asked as he finished searching through the first floor and headed toward the flight of stairs that led to the second. The nation was racked with guilt over what he had said to the italian nation, and hadn't meant to say what he did. It was just that he was under so much stress he just snapped, though to him that wasn't much of an excuse. He just wanted to find Italy and apologize.

Climbing up to stairs several at a time, the blond quickly made it to the next floor. The first place he checked was his own bedroom, opening the door to see everything perfectly neat and organized like he left it that morning. Typically, when he was upset, the italian always would sneak in his room and curl up under the covers or mess with the different items he had laying around. However, this time he was upset with him, so it only made sense he wouldn't come in here. He sighed, closing the door behind him, and headed to the next most likely place, Italy's own room down the hall.

The tall blond stood outside for a moment, before reaching to turn the knob. He was surprised though to find the door locked. He jiggled it for a second, thinking maybe it had just gotten momentarily stuck, but it was indeed locked. A sense of uneasiness washed over Germany. He knocked on the door, not too loud in case of scaring the other nation.

"Italy? Are you in there? I want to apologize, so could you open up?" Germany called, soften his voice as much as he could. He really did want to apologize, but it was something he always had difficulty with. The german waiting for a minute, waiting for some sort of response, from the door opening to the italian yelling for him to go away, but nothing came. He knocked again, louder this time.

"Italy?"

* * *

"It..ly are y... in th...? I wa... to ap...oli...ze, so co... you o... up?" Italy could hear words being spoken from somewhere around him, unclear and warped, as if he were floating somewhere deep underwater. The voice sounded familiar, but he simply could not place it. All he could think of was the reflection in front of him, who finally broke away from the kiss, leaving the italian flushed and panting. The other's smile grew impossibly wide and he ran he finger over Feliciano's lip, tilting the boy's head up to meet his gaze.

"And with that, our deal is made," he giggling softly, violet eyes flickering darkly. Italy's eyes fluttered open at the sound of the only think he could hear anymore. Half lidded, amber eyes were dull and empty, the nation just wanted to close his eyes, fall asleep forever. The other leaned down and kissed his eyelid softly, before reaching up and gently placing his fingertips on the boy's eyelids, slowly closing them again.

"Ita...ly!" the drowned voice came again, but it fell on deaf ears as Italy eyes closed, heavy. His body felt so tired, that he almost fell over, but strong arms caught him, one on his back and the other holding the back of his head, stroking it.

"I promised that I will make Feliciano Vargas strong," he whispered, laying the boy back onto the bed gently, giggling mad to himself as the body stopped moving, body becoming limp against the sheets. He brushed a lock of auburn hair from his pale skin and bent down to lightly kiss his forehead, a goodnight kiss.

"For I too am Feliciano Vargas."

* * *

Now Germany was becoming worried, began to press his weight against the door, trying to force it open. He had been so heartless to the nation that he wouldn't know what to do if he did something that couldn't be done. And it would be all his fault. With one last hard shove against the oak door, the door slammed open, leaving a nasty gash in the door jam. Germany scanned the room until his blue eyes landed on the Italian, who was lying on the bed.

"Feli...," he sighed, glad that he was simply asleep. If it had been something far worse, he would probably lose it. The german sat down on the corner of the bed, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He lightly shook the boy, trying to wake him out of his sleep. There was no response, not a movement or a soft veh. Just deafening silence.

"Feliciano, come on. Wake up," Ludwig said again, giving a shake again. Still he moved limply under his touches, as if he were dead. Starting to panic, for despite being a heavy sleeper, he always woke up at Ludwigs voice, the larger nation gripped both shoulders and shook hard, trying to wake him. Nothing.

"Verdammit, Feliciano, please wake up," Ludwig pleaded, putting his forehead to Feli's chest, able to feel the faint rising and falling of his chest. At least he was alive. " Please, Feli."

Twitch.

It was small, but not unnoticed, the slight twitch of a finger. Breathing a sigh of calm, the german released the boy as he started to move, letting out a groan as eyelashes fluttered. Sitting up, Italy rubbed his eyes wearily.

"Ah, Feliciano! You had me worried," Ludwig said. "I'm really sorry about what I had said earlier. I had no right to yell at-" the german tried to apologize, but was cut off by the drowsy looking italian putting up his hand, signalling him to stop. Turning to the worried German, the italian gave a wide grin, tilting his head to the side as he looked at him with odd eyes. They seemed the normal color as usual, but something was off about the amber. Ludwig was not close enough to see a ring of violet bursting from his pupils.

"Don't worry, Germany, I forgive you," he giggled lightly, much to the german's surprise. Stretching out his arms, the boy gazed at his hands and flexed them. "After all, some of the blame can be put on me after all. It isn't like what you said is a lie, right?"

Ludwig was silent, looking at the brunette with wide eyes. Something was definitely off, for he had never seen him act in quite a way. Feli looked at him with a smile, as if he knew what he thinking.

"I promise though, Germany, that it'll all change," he whispered to himself as he stood up from his bed. He started to remove his blue uniform jacket, much to the confusion of the other.

"I'm going to change into something cooler and then let's go back to training, okay?" Feli suggested with a reassuring smile. Ludwig stared at him for a long moment, unsure of what was going on, but after a minute he gave a faint nod and stood up as well, walking to the door to give the boy some privacy. He gave the boy one more questioning glance.

"Alright Feli, I'll be waiting downstairs. Are...are you sure you're alright?" he asked. He knew the boy to be ever cheerful, but this was just too odd, even for him. The whole situation made him uneasy.

"I promise, everything is just fine," the italian nation assured, going back to looking at his hands with extreme interest. The german gave a small grunt and left the room. Closing the door, he sighed. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he was going to keep a close eye on his friend. And so he headed downstairs, a gnawing of uncertainty growing.

* * *

Feliciano pressed his ear against the door, listening as Ludwig crossed the hall, stepped down the stairs. His smile grew twisted and dark when he no longer heard the german. Falling into a fit of mad giggles, the italian nation touched his face, his arms, even hugged himself. He could actually feel himself, feel the warmth. He finally had a body, no longer being forced into the back of unconsciousness. It was indescribable.

Knowing Ludwig was gone, Feliciano walked out into the hall, giggling like a , he made his way across the hall, to the german's room. Slipping inside, the italian remembered the promise he had made to his original. No. Now Feli was the slumbering reflection of him now and he was the real one, the only one. He did not forget the promise he had made to his reflection, that Feliciano Vargas would be strong. The violet and amber eyed nation opened the drawer of the nightstand, moving aside papers and knickknacks until his hands brushed up against something cold and metalic. It was wonderful, the sensation of the gun against his fingertips.

Feliciano Vargas would be strong, the strongest, and he would get rid of anyone who was above, looking down on the pathetically weak nation. He smiled, hiding the gun behind his back as he skipped downstairs, knowing that one greater nation was being ever so kind in waiting for him, with cruel words behind blue eyes.

Feliciano wondered if he would like to get more acquainted with several bullets.

* * *

A/N:Damn, this ended up being a LOT longer than intended. But I sort of like how this turned out. Originally, this story was supposed to be a short little piece on Canada murdering Ukraine, based on the song Trust Me from Devil's Carnival. Then it turned into Romano murdering Veneziano, because DC and Repo have italian feels to them. Then it turned into selfcestual this...I think it all worked out in the end. I think.

Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this, and please leave a review on your way out. I would really appreciate it! Have a wonderful day!


End file.
